Things are a little deconstructed here. A little messy.
I’ve experimented a little bit with new ways to write. Before the school semester started, I wrote some personal journal entries with my new typewriter. However, lately, I’ve been distracted from my creative projects.
The way I originally learned to blog was this stream-of-consciousness “Livejournal” style, where I’m concerned with expressing my feelings, and I let it all hang out. I became conscious of that style as part of an era when I bought a 2003 issue of YM magazine this summer and read the “Say Anything” section. That time— the late 90’s and early 00’s– was definitely a “say anything” time. It’s the era that makes perfect sense to me. My mind syncs seamless with everything from that time: music, fashion, attitudes, you name it.
Things today are completely different, and it affects the way I write, which in turns affects the way I think. Everything is so carefully curated. People “retweet” or “repost” rather than share their original thoughts, something that would have been unthinkable and maybe even an “unfriending” offense back in the day. Similarly with photography, woe to the one who posts candid or sloppy photos. No likes. People hire professional photographers for their Facebook profile pictures. Again, back in the day… this would have seemed ludicrous. Embarrassing. Lately, I’ve realized I haven’t changed at all from my 2003 attitudes about self-expression. I understand why the world around me has changed, and I understand factors like the popularity of social media and people’s self-protective impulses have created a different climate for expression. Now, self-expression, in that raw, unpolished way, makes people unsure of how to respond to you.
I started posting some of my handwritten stories on my Instagram account, got few likes and immediately got some unfollows. I expected it, and it hurt, but I needed to confirm the truth for myself. I’ve removed all my content from social media and have no plans to post there anymore. It’s time to find a better way to express myself. I am not welcome there. My mind is not welcome there. I even followed an artist I admired. To my great surprise, she followed me back. She even liked one of my photos, perhaps in a “like for like” spirit. She liked an older photo I took of a latte, the most conformist option.
Looking back at my old photography, I feel amazed at how creative I was in the early 00’s. My digicam technology was so limited, and I did so much with it. I found unique angles and looked at objects in new ways, particularly tombstones. I feel it’s time for me to recover this. I want to spend an afternoon in a country cemetery and pay close attention to what I’m seeing through the lens.
The “Livejournal”-style communities are still around and active, but much of the posting and commenting behaviors have changed. It’s happened repeatedly that I pour out my feelings only to have someone leave a comment on one marginal, “safe” item I mention. I feel immediately pulled into the conventional when that happens, boxed-in, ashamed of everything else I said that got ignored. So, that doesn’t work for me anymore, either.
But here’s Winter Light. A disorganized mess, just like my physical creative spaces look. It’s okay. A mess is something. It means I’m here for it. It means I have something to do.
This is a new era. A new time. I can feel that, at least for me, the polished and curated form of self-expression, or maybe just self-promotion, is obsolete. It’s time to think deeply about topics. Draft my thinking. Focus on finding unique angles in my photography. Improve my skills with my typewriter and my film camera, both of which are still a challenge.
Yellow Rose Castle 